If it snows I’m quitting school.

So that’s definitely not true, but it came out of my mouth during Spanish this morning. Of course it was in English because to translate such a sentiment would have taken me too long and I just didn’t care enough. As I was all snuggled into my bed at 9 pm tonight under an embarrassing amount of blankets I thought the same thing..and then realized how ridiculous that is to even think. Why is it that I so frequently say things that I don’t mean?

I then was struck by how often I tell others how much I don’t want to get married, because the whole idea is scary. Granted, the whole idea is scary and I have seen enough pain within the context of marriage to be very wary of who and when I marry…but the honest truth is I desire a husband. I want to serve him and serve with him in ministry until death do us part. I want to be the cute old couple walking in a park holding hands. So why have I previously stated otherwise (on more occasions than I’d like to admit)?

I don’t know. Desire to be the independent woman who can take care of herself–or at least appear to be so? Possibly. But I’d say the underlying reason would be fear. Fear that marriage isn’t what God has for me, so if I convince myself I don’t want it in the first place, I won’t be disappointed. That’s lame.

God plants desires within our hearts to draw us so much nearer to Him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I often draw nearer to the Giver when I want something. I am that kid. But when faced with the reality of His goodness, I find myself wanting nothing more than more of Him–most of the time.

I want to deeply desire Him, and enjoy His goodness and gifts. And I want to mean what I say and say what I mean and say nothing more.


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